This is Me…
Whew! It’s been a long while since I’ve actually penned some words for my personal blog page! I’ve been writing though! I’ve been blogging for my church’s blog page https://www.thechosenchurch.org/blog (Check them out)! I’ve also been working on my book! 🙌🏾 Did I write that out loud! Yes I did! 😉 Whew! I got a little teary eyed! 😭 God is moving! So I’ve still been writing y’all! Anyhoo, I was just prompted to shower some words this way today!
The past few months have been rather overwhelming! Not just in a negative way either! God truly has been pouring into me! For me, that’s very overwhelming because I’m not used to ALLOWING Him! One month I think I cried daily! If anybody ever tells you that the shedding process is easy. They lied! 😂 BIG LIED! 🤷🏾♀️ It’s WORTH every inch that’s shed away, although it’s TOUGH! My pastor did a series called UNCOMFORTABLE and I promise I think I felt the INTENSITY the moment he released the title! I’m still feeling it! 🥵 I’ve been in the furnace begging whew can we just turn the heat down some! I had to tap out a couple times for God to refresh and restore me! Nothing is wrong with that! I didn’t quit, I just needed a little beverage 😂 but when I tapped out, I tapped God in! OH YEAH! I’m learning to do that! Whew Chile! This JOURNEY! 🙌🏾😭😭😭💜
Through that series and others preached, God has had the opportunity to pour into me! He was able to show me…welllll ME! 🤷🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️ The hardest thing sometimes about this journey is that even when you THINK you know YOU, God pops up like well check this out! This is YOU! This is what you need to get rid of! This is what I have called you too! This is where I am calling you to go! These are the people I have called you too! Oh yeah….I need you to step out and let these people I’ve connected you with, Love on you! 🥴😒 Whole time I’m staring God down like He has lost His mind! You want me to do what! Whew Chile! Find somebody else to do it! I promise that’s what plays in my mind! Y’all know I give it to y’all how I feel it and flip it the way God flips me back in order!
I promise I don’t think things hit the fan the way it did until I publicly told God YES! I shared with my Pastor and others my desire for Ministry! Yep! Ministry-Ministry! It isn’t anything new to me, my spiritual mentor or God. It’s new to the people God has connected me too! I knew in 2010 that God had called me to Ministry on a different level, but FEAR kicked it, I switched ministries, I dealt with a lot of doubt and anxiety, I was waiting for others to see the call on my life and so many things that, after 2012 I hid behind the veil and just went with the flow! I figured someone of “esteem” would call me out, whatever that means 🙄😬
I never really knew how to step out! My spiritual mentor/ big sis would speak into me all the time, but I wasn’t trying to hear nothing! 🙅🏾♀️Absolutely nothing! Why? Because living that consecrated life before God would truly set me apart and if I’m honest none of the people I gathered myself around was fully souled out to Christ! I didn’t really have anybody to discuss God with! I wasn’t around others who could see behind the mask and able to see how desperately I wanted and needed God! It was easy to hide under the radar! Being who God called me to be during certain periods of my life meant I would have to be in the light! I wasn’t trying to be in nobody spotlight! God was a hidden part of my life! People knew I loved God from a religious view, but they had no clue of my strong desire to go deeper with God!
The past few months God has had to deal with me! He literally said it’s ME or NOTHING! Whew! It’s like giving or getting an ultimatum in a relationship like “it’s me or them!” Who you gone choose? Choosing God means leveling up and becoming a better version of myself! Was I ready? Would I worry about who journeyed with me? Choosing God means going through tough tough trials, but having the peace and comfort to know that even through the hurt, God will still get the Glory! I mean I could get with that, but it was still rather tense! You’ll come out on the other side victoriously! Choosing God means there will be days you’re crying, days you’re smiling, days you want to scream, days you want to laugh, BUT each day should bring you an awareness of the greater depths of God’s Love for you! 🙌🏾🙌🏾💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾
Just recently, I’ve been hit with COMPARISON! It’s something I never thought that I dealt with it! It’s not me comparing a person’s car with mine, a person’s looks with mine or a person’s bank account with mine. It’s been comparing my walk with Christ with others, my prayer style with another’s, my time in the Word with others, and my ability to press through not as fast as others! I’ve also never stepped out in my calling the way I have either! Those issues were never a part of me because as I stated before I’ve been hiding behind the veil! I was never really inspired by anybody else spiritual walk because from my “limited” view I never connected with others who spiritual walk inspired me to go deeper!
This new thought process I had taken on was putting me in a choke hold! I started half dong things because I felt a strong lack of everything. My insecurity was high beyond measure. I didn’t know how to process it! I didn’t know who to talk to because the ones I would talk to are the ones the enemy continues to throw in my face and tell me that I would never measure up, they will never see you as a powerful woman of God. Minister?? Yeah right! They know you’re not capable of carrying this mandate, so what’s the point! Yeah the enemy was coming for my entire life, soul, mind, body. He came with all the punches!
If I’m honest, I took them punches for a while, but I still tried to press through! Eventually, I had to send up smoke signals to say, ”Hey! I need prayer! I got to get through this!” 🙌🏾😭 It took a lot out of me! Who wants to admit they’ve had issues of comparison! NOT MEEEEE! But it was a moment and God is yet trusting me through this process! Whew! It’s painful! I’ll take my old life back for 200 Alex! Y’all know I play a lot with y’all, but the reality is God is truly cleansing this New Me! A lot of painful and lonely days, but God shows up major!
In my study this weekend, God asked me “Why Do You Care? Does it matter that I called you to something different? Does it matter that I called you to pray a certain way? Does it matter that I chose you to connect with this person a different way than this person would! I created you for my purpose and my glory Nikki! I didn’t create you to be like them. I didn’t call you to them because I called this person to them! Why are you trying to please the likes of another when I’ve called you to Glorify me? There are too many people in my kingdom that needs what YOU have and yet you’re hiding because you got a “feeling” that you don’t measure up! What measuring stick are you using? Who’s measuring stick are you even using? Be YOU, the way I called you to be!” Y’all…. 😭😭😭😭😭 was all I had! This was LAST NIGHT!!!!! 🙌🏾😭😭😭
I woke up this morning…. THIS IS ME!!! This is who God created ME to be! Quirky, unique, different, goofy! God called me to be SOULED OUT and not care WHO accepts or acknowledges this version of God in ME! It’s the God in Me and the way God has anointed me to draw others to HIM, that matters that most!
We can no longer hide behind the veil of life, allowing the enemy to have full control of WHO WE ARE IN CHRIST! There are souls that need exactly what you have to offer! If you continue to hide and try to fit the mold of someone else, you’ll never reach the people God has ordained to you to bring close to Him! What are you afraid of? God has called you! God has anointed you! God has spoken to you! So walk thing out with Grace and Joy, knowing that God will give you everything you need to glorify Him, just the way you are!
This is Me…No longer running from the call or mandate, but running harder after what God has called me into! I’m meant to be ME, the way God has created me to be! I will take joy in knowing that this version of me, will help so many others develop a deeper relationship with God, as THEMSELVES!!!