It’s Much Bigger Than Me!

Whew! It seems like FOREVER since I penned a few words! Today it will be just that…A FEW WORDS! Then again, y’all know how I am…A few words have never been my method!! Ha!

But what’s uppppppppp! I miss y’all! Like for real miss y’all! I kind of miss myself too! Which is one reason I decided to check in and catch y’all up on some things or to just chat!

Normally on this DAY, I take time to celebrate my mom! This submission is not to negate the recovery of my mother in no fashion shape or form! Anyway, I decided that this year I would celebrate MYSELF! So many of you know the back story of my life and all I dealt with as a result of my mother’s addiction when I was young!

A few months ago I had gotten to the point of my life where I had never been before! At least I’ve never been in this PLACE for THIS LONG! It was evident that my life was no longer mine! I was allowing the views and everything of others control so much of myself! I started to realize how toxic almost all of my friendships and relationships were!

Depression took over and I wanted OUT! During that time I honestly felt like I had NOBODY!! In fact I really didn’t! No matter how many people say that, I know keeping everything inside is the better option for me! WHY?!?!?! So many have proven that I’m all I got in the end!

I’M OKAY WITH THAT!

At least I thought I was! I Canvased all of my friendships and relationship with family as well! I came to the conclusion that I’ve always been a loner and it’s always been ME!

There are a couple people I could have talked with, but because I’m always in my head and an extreme over thinker, I always say they only around because they don’t really have a choice. It’s who they are. They don’t want to hurt my feelings by not appearing that they don’t care!

There was one person in particular that helped me through the transition of all that I’ve been going through, even NOW! We’ve bumped heads a few times, but at end of the day her presence has truly helped me gain a small bit of strength that I had given up on!

She’s definitely a “NO” woman! 😂 Cause she not going to agree with me just to agree with me! She gone help me see things from a different perspective whether I want to or not! She made one thing clear and that was I’M HERE WITH YOU THROUGH THIS TRANSITION? BUT YOU HAVE TO DO IT ON YOUR OWN!

That pierced every part of me for many reason! One: NOBODY asked her to put me in my place like that! Two: NOBODY asked her to put me in my place like that! 😂 That was literally my expression! I’m just saying! 🤷🏾‍♀️

I’ve never had anybody that truly matched my fly! Or as I say she’s the crunchy peanut butter to my strawberry jam! We’re so different yet so much alike! She has helped me transition to a person I don’t know, but outside of the anxiety and depression, a WOMAN I am beginning to LOVE! She actually SEES ME! My Goober! My BEST FRIEND!

Why NOW? Why are you just now starting to LOVE yourself? Because I’ve never had the chance to be one with myself and be there for myself! I was existing just to say I am HERE!

Through the past few months, I’ve truly had to fight to stay focused and stay HERE!

Today I started on a JOURNEY that had been long overdue! I had my first Therapy Assessment! I mean I may have wanted to hang up the phone a few times on the woman, but I stuck it out! I’ve been crying every since! I wasn’t ready for the questions and them going deep into my background of trauma! I was doing so good by not processing any of it!

At least I thought I was! The past few months proved that was a lie! I had some great hopes for today!

I had in my mind that I was going to CELEBRATE ME! Celebrate myself because when you’re a child who has been through PHYSICAL ABUSE, SEXUAL ABUSE and watching your parents or parents fight addiction people often forget about the CHILDREN when the Parents have gotten better!

That part of me has always been hidden! Hidden because instead of dealing with my own internal pain I was always wanting to make sure everybody else was straight! So I hid everything soooooo well!

I can’t hide anymore! It hurts too darn much to keep hiding!

I was told that I can break generational curses and make a difference if I keep putting a Bandaid over things that need full blow surgery and amputation!

Although, I didn’t do anything today besides treat myself to a Starbucks Refresher, internally I’m rejoicing because at the end of this NIGHT, I’m still HERE!

I’m putting myself FIRST, but I also know that this fight isn’t just about ME! There are so many who are looking to me to help them through! There are so many young people who need me! I know the pressure of that can be consuming, but I also know now that I have to make time for me as well!

This fight is for everyone who was told they won’t be nothing! Or they will succumb to their pain and their past!

✨YOU CAN MAKE IT AND YOU WILL MAKE IT!‼️✨

Some days will be better than others, but every day you lay your head on that pillow at night and make it through that night, you’ve accomplished so much!

I’M NOT GIVING UP AND YOU WON’T EITHER!

✨SOMEBODY IS WAITING ON YOUR TESTIMONY✨

2 Comments

  1. Good morning my young sister and friend. I just finished reading your blog and what and awesome testimony and they have been missed. I told you a couple of years ago how truly gifted and blessed you were and how God was going to use you as an instrument to save people. This blog needs to be viral. Your walks that you are going through are an encouragement to so, so many because we first must admit we need help and then seek it the right way and not be ashamed. God lives you dear and so do I. I miss that smiling face and jubilant spirit in worship. I’m glad you are working on you and still helping others. Praying that God continue to be with you, because this isn’t an easy road that we travel, but with him walking beside us it’s a lot easier. Love you dear❤️🙏🏽

    -Sheryl

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    Liked by 1 person

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