Hey Girl Heyyyy: Confessions of A Healing Me! Part ONE
TRIGGERS: For anyone dealing with depression, mental health issues and/or the different effects coming from it, I caution you before moving forward! I’m praying for you even if you can’t mentally read any further!
✨✨After the HEALING comes more HEALING!! 🧩🦋 For some, Healing, Freedom, and Wholeness isn’t the ISSUE; It’s knowing and figuring out how to move forward after being BROKEN for so long!!! Which is why I always say it’s a JOURNEY!! Okay, you’ve received your Healing! You have put forth the effort to receive and maintain your healing, BUT WHAT’S NEXT?!?!✨✨
It’s been long overdue for me to pen this from my heart! When it comes to anything dealing with mental health and healing, sometimes it’s never really EASY! For me it’s never really easy because as I write I now know that it’s a part of a MINISTRY that God has placed over my life! Being vulnerable isn’t always easy!
Blogging…this blog that I feel came straight from God, truly isn’t easy for me because as others are being healed through the writing, I go through things to be able to know where others are coming from! It’s like how can a teacher teach, if they’ve never be in a position to learn!?!?! YES some things come natural to people, but growth and healing is truly going to take some time for you to sit still and learn YOU! Let God show you and teach you, YOU! If any of that makes sense to you then keep on reading.
This JOURNEY and SEASON of my life I would like to say truly began in 2018, when I decided to leave everything, but my clothes, shoes and BOOKS 😂 and move to Charlotte! I had no true desire for anything! I didn’t know what I was going to do or how I was going to manage, but GOD DID! My reason was in no comparison to God’s! See…I was RUNNING! Yep, RUNNING from everything COMFORTABLE IN MY LIFE!!!
I felt I was living for my family and was scared to make moves or do anything because I felt I needed their permission before doing anything! I was at a job I was doing the bare minimum because I didn’t care to be there half the time! Everybody motives and passion for what we did wasn’t there so it made it hard to get up some days! I was serving in church, but it wasn’t because I was going hard for God at the time! I was burnt out and was just there because I didn’t want to QUIT serving with the youth because I loved and still love doing that, but something was missing and I couldn’t put a finger on it! I was honestly being mediocre In every area of my life as I listed above!
I went through a PREGNANCY/MISCARRIAGE alone because I was afraid of what people would have thought about me! So instead of facing everything head on I decided to RUN! I put the spin “I feel God leading me to here because He has something bigger and better for me!” God knew the whole time I was a FAT LIE, when I was telling folks that! In reality YES, but at same time HE DID! I had no idea on how HE had something BIGGER, but I was gone soon find out! 🤦🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️
Once in Charlotte, everything and everyone that held me together was no longer there! I no longer was talking to my spiritual mentors and ones I called mother! I stopped talking to “friends” I thought were “friends!” The two men in my life that I held on a pedestal made themselves so real to me and til this day those relationships have not been rekindled! There’s no bad blood but sometimes distance is still best when you’ve forgiven people! I was left to truly TRUST GOD! I had to TRUST GOD like never before!!
Long story short about Charlotte, was that I found out about ME! Me and GOD! I learned who I was and WHO’S I was! Before My Solo Journey in Charlotte I battled depression and many days of wanting to commit suicide! Majority of the time I dealt with everything alone because what was there for anybody to do! 🤷🏾♀️ Who was there to really trust with those vulnerable details of my life! I mean some people knew the battle I had went through, but it made no difference on the fact that I was still dealing with it!
You know the thing about those who carry STRENGTH well is that you will convince people that you never go through or you’re making it through peacefully and with JOY! You have to be dumber than a box of rocks to think everybody got it GOOD! It was easy for me to glide along because even til this day people don’t think I deal with anything, but I refuse to have those external pity parties! Oh but them INTERNAL PITY PARTIES will have you ready to end it ALL!
What I consider to be INTERNAL PITY PARTIES are the ones where you’re talking to yourself and beating yourself up and SCREAMING on the INSIDE! They’re the ones where the enemy takes full advantage! The WORD says, Life and Death are in the POWER of your TONGUE! Although I wasn’t speaking things like…I hate myself, I will never be anything, I will never fall in love, I will never have value, I will forever be alone, Nobody will ever marry me or be with me, I will never get out of debt, and I have no reason to live. I was speaking it to myself internally, which made it easy for the enemy to ISOLATE my MIND! I wasn’t speaking POWER, FAITH, LOVE, PEACE, JOY, HAPPINESS over myself, which meant DEATH was all I felt and wanted! When you allow the enemy to play tic tac toe with your mind, you become so wired to think those are TRUE And REAL thoughts! It becomes hard for you to hear God because the screaming and screeching sound of your NEGATIVE THOUGHTS seem to drown out the THOUGHTS that God thinks and believes about you!
I WAS DROWNING!!!!! As I tried to come up for air, it’s like the mental and emotional side of me was pulling me back down! I didn’t know how to breathe and stop myself from going under, UNTIL….I SURRENDERED TO GOD!!!! In the middle of my kitchen while listening to REAL TALK KIM, Holy SPIRIT overtook ME!!!! When it was all said and done I was in my bedroom floor coming up for AIR!!! not just physical air, but SPIRITUALLY and MENTALLY as well! I was able to BREATHE!!! The toxins and ramifications that came outside of my body and onto the FLOOR was PROOF that it was nothing more nor less than the workings of GOD and HOLY SPIRIT taking over me!!! If you have never had a HOLY GHOST FIT, babyyyyyyy you will be in for a treat!!!
I learned so much during the beginning of THIS particular SEASON!!!! As my sis, pointed out today… Healing ain’t EASY, but it’s WORTH IT!!!
The most AMAZING characteristic of GOD, that always manages to amaze me is that no matter how much OR how long you fight, HE’S NOT LETTING UP! 🙌🏾😩💛 With that in mind I’m throwing in the white flag and SURRENDERING to HIM, HIS LOVE, HIS GRACE and HIS HEART towards ME! We’ll never gain the WIN over God when HE has a PURPOSE over OUR LIFE! Even when it feels like HE has lifted HIS GRASP, just know that HE’S literally still right there! So when you’re READY to let your grip and WILL go, HE’S GOT YOU!
Below is a letter that I wrote to myself when I decided it was time to move back HOME!!!
Nikki,
Girl you’ve come a long way! From doubting yourself to wanting to give up every chance you got! You’ve overcome things that people thought would overtake you. You have a lot more growing to do and many goals to accomplish. I believe In you and know that you’ll continue to be UNSTOPPABLE! You do need to stop looking to people to make you happy! Nobody has your best interest at heart like you do! Keep grinding and keep shining. You have this power within you that can never be stopped as long as you start believing the best of yourself. No more mediocre living. No more putting other needs before your MENTAL HEALTH. It’s time for you to crank it up a notch and go harder than you’ve ever gone before! You got this and I know you’re gonna be dynamite! I know your heart and what you desire, but patience is a virtue. Don’t allow the frustration in the wait stop you from moving forward and trusting that God will manifest His promises in your life!!! THIS IS YOUR TIME!!!
If you thought that the outpouring of the Holy Spirit was the end all to my healing that day then stay tuned for the next part of this JOURNEY as God saw fit to transition and BREAK ME COMPLETELY down once I arrived back to OHIO from CHARLOTTE.
PART TWO COMING SOON….
Gracefully Unveiled 